All the plans I planned for your birthday won’t work anymore but I hope you’ll have fun on your special day. Don’t just lock yourself in your own prison cell and go out and have some fun. You’re finally 18 and I remember you telling me you’d like to celebrate it on a mountain. Well rain checked, it won’t rain today so it is a perfect day to go in the mountains.
I know this may never find you, but please know that I mean every word I am about to say, both good and bad. I heard things about you before we even began. The warning signs could have been there, and I’m sure they were, but I chose to ignore and avoid them just enough to let you in and find out for myself. I didn’t even want to go on that date to the movies or on a date with you at all, to be honest. I figured you would stop trying if I stood you up more than once. You didn’t. I needed to know I was worth pursuing, and you made me feel desired.
You were not my first boyfriend, but you were the first to meet my whole family. You were not my first kiss, but you were the first guy who I make out with. You were not my first love, but you were the first person that I loved more than I love myself another than my family. It’s like you’re my reflection, my own mirror. Your temper, your sense of humor, your generosity, your laugh. Damn, I miss you so much, I miss your laugh, especially your laugh. Your kisses and warm cuddles.
I’m so blessed tita gave birth to you 18 years ago. Now that you’re 18 I hope you’ll act like your age. Be responsible enough. Be brave enough to take some risk. Life is short, so forget all your what-ifs and have some fun. You’re still a teen anyway so get your ass and put your shits together because when you get 20 you won’t regret the things you haven’t done when you were still a teen. I might not make any sense here but I’m writing this anyway.
Happy birthday, twinkle toes.
I like being single. I like spending some time alone. I like the freedom of going somewhere without asking permission. I like shopping alone. I like doing things alone.
But that doesn’t mean i dont crave someone’s love and attention
It’s nice being alone until you saw sweet old couples in the street. It’s nice to have freedom but when you go to some places with your friends, unlike them no one will text and ask if you are okay or where you at. It’s nice to go shopping alone until you saw couples in the fitting room asking for their partner’s decision or approval. It’s nice to eat alone until you saw a sweet couple that is taking turns of giving food. It’s nice to watch movies alone until you saw a couple kissing in the corner.
I was often called a desperate because i was trying to look for a right guy to fit. I was looking for love, hoping someone could love me the ways i couldn’t love myself.
This seemingly endless cycle
Of lashing out
Of reaching out
So much silence
The nights when I can’t sleep
Because of the weight
I’m crushed under
I’m not exaggerating
But you don’t know unless you’ve been there
Not the thoughts
Not just the thoughts anyways
My eyes burning
Are those tears?
Or are my eyes just tired?
It’s constant tiredness
But at the same time alertness
Every word 10 times sharper
Every negative thought 20 times clearer
But everything else is noise
Like static if you will
It’s so loud
In a silent room
Only those who have been here
Know how hard it is
To shut them up
I find myself turning
Into a monster
A monster who thirsts for blood
Blood for a purpose
TO SHUT UP THE VOICES
Because when you
Turn into a monster
Balance is restored
For a little bit at least
Every thought clear
Only one stands over the rest
“What have I done?”
And the shame eats me
Because I fucked up
I lash out
Again and again
I realize that I am toxic
But then I learn and apologize
They forgive me
And I think that I’ve won
In this battle with my thoughts until….
“You’re okay with everyone”
“All of your debts are paid”
“So you can leave now”
If there’s one thing this year has taught me is this life is full of goodbyes. It took a while for me to understand that this is just how the way it is. “That’s life,” as most of us would say.
And sometimes, you say goodbye without actually saying goodbye. You say goodbye gracefully, like it was your first honest hello.
So here I am saying goodbye to you, one last final time.
I say goodbye to the happiness you gave me. To the days where I found myself genuinely happy because I had someone who loved me unconditionally.
I say goodbye to that one sunny afternoon where we first kissed. When you lovingly looked me in the eyes right after that and told me how much you loved me, and kissed me again.
I say goodbye to the promise you made that you will always love me no matter what. That you will keep fighting for us. I say goodbye to the promise you made that I, forced you to break.
I say goodbye to the regrets I have for ruining us. I say goodbye to the hopes that someday, we will see each other again and patch things up.
I say goodbye to the blaming game, thinking it was all my fault. We had our fair share of wrongs. But maybe it was never an issue of who ruined who or who ruined what. Maybe it was just not meant to be. Maybe it was just a blessing that God allowed us to experience so we have things to think and smile about, maybe make us a little bit nostalgic, when we get old and see our grandkids venture into young relationships.
I hope to God it is because truthfully, you will become one of the love stories that I will tell my kids and grandkids about someday. Of that one beautiful yet epic love that went away and never meant to return and how that shouldn’t make them sad. That it should make them grateful and most of all, faithful to the truth that when God closes a door, a window opens.
I know someday we will inevitably see each other again. I hope that day comes with peace. I hope when I see you, I have finally accepted that some good things don’t last.
So I’m leaving you, in the past where you belong. I’m leaving you along with the hang ups and unanswered questions.
Just like the fireworks we saw and admired in our first date, everyone got so much amused because we light so bright but ended too fast.
Itoy isang tula.
Ngayon akoy magsisimula.
Di lahat nababase sa pamagat.
hindi ito tungkol sa pagmamahal dahil yan lang ay sagabal.
Minsan kasi di puro pag-ibig nasa isip. Lalo na kung nagbibigay sakit at sikip ng dibdib. Ito ay tungkol sa sakit na nadama.
Naranasan nyo na ba? Yung nagmamahal pero di naman minahal?
One sided love kung tawagin nila.
sobra kong nasaktan. Ni di makatayo sa sobrang pagtumba. Di tumba na literal kundi tumba na para bang lagapak sa sahig ngunit puso mo ang nauna.
Yung broken kana pero mas naging broken kapa.
Ngunit sa kabila nun may isang salita na may anim na letra. Ito ay “HINTAY” Magsimula tayo sa letrang “H” – Ha. Ha? Habang buhay nalang ba akong magpapakatanga? Pangalawa “I” – Ih. Inintindi kita ngunit kulang pa pala. Sumunod ang “N” – Na. Nasamalapit ka pero bakit parang ang layo mo na. Anong sunod diba “T” – Tanga ko no? Para na akong aso na habol ng habol sayo. Sa “A” naman tayo – Aanhin ko ang pag-ibig ng iba kung sayo lang ang gusto kong madama. “Y”? Yoko na. Yan ang sabi ng utak ko na ni minsan di ko sinununod. Diba ang saklap? Pilit ko paring umasa na babalik ka. Ang hirap talagang magmahal ng buo lalo na sa taong di nakita ang halaga mo.
Are we together because we want to be or because we’re just scared to see each other with someone else? Are we really in love or are we just in love with the thought of being in love?
One day, I woke up on a different side of my bed, where I realize I’m not in love with you anymore.
Maybe it’s because of your mistakes which made me think that you’re not perfect after all and so was I and thought that it’s okay that we’re human. Maybe it’s because of your songs, the ones you use to woo me and dance with me and it will make me feel all the giddy about you. Maybe it’s because of your shirt I’m wearing, I can smell your scent even if I washed it a hundred times in the laundry. Maybe it’s because of your voice I hear on my phone, singing me a song until I feel better or asleep. Maybe it’s because of your fingers which I lace mine and it will make me vulnerable like a piece of glass. Maybe it’s because of your words on my phone, weaved together like a poem even though you just said hello and it will mean a thousand things for me. Maybe it’s because of those blankets and pillows we use to cuddle in in which I feel your warmth even when it’s raining outside. Maybe it’s because of your smile I stare at which makes my insecurities hidden shut in a dark corner where I can never see them again. Maybe it’s because of your hands which you use to wrap around me to help me feel warm and secure. Maybe it’s because of your laugh echoing in my ears and I hear every time I think about something funny or I saw something funny on the internet. Maybe it’s because of those tears I saw from your face and it made me think that you’re not strong enough or even brave enough to say goodbye. Maybe it’s because of your kiss which made me left wanting for more and it’s impossible to hold you close all the time because I know you need to go. Maybe it’s because of your eyes, watching me do stupid things but still support me and tell me how proud you are to me. Maybe it’s because of you, being so impossible to let go and it will definitely destroy my heart, my soul, my universe and stars, and my aching body if I ever thought about stopping from loving you.
I woke up on a different side of my bed, where I found the answers to my questions. I realize I’m not in love with you anymore.
It’s not you after all
Rather I’m in love with the idea that you’re in love with me as I am to you.
The sunrays caressed my face with the warmth of your hands
I know where this is going by the words of your eyes
That sorry smile of yours says everything you have to say
But please, no
I would freeze time even if I have to
Yet you will never do the same
Cause I know you’re tired of us
And you just want to end everything
But unless you say the hammering words
I would continue to think that you still want us
Feigning ignorance and continue the blissful euphoria
You’re the rose I’m willing to pluck with
Hands scarred from the pain of your thorns
photo: ormehcym deviantart
The Philippines may be the country full of smiles but it also is a country with such standards. Recently the beauty Badjao girl celebrated her birthday with a blast thanks to the sponsors.
I indeed pity her story but isn’t it enough to support her education? I pity more elderly working as school cleaners. I pity the handicapped man selling ‘Sampaguitas’ in the streets while getting soaked in the rain. I’d rather help them because I know that beyond their situation, they tried. They did not let their circumstances be an excuse for society to acknowledge them beyond it help them. People of today are so obsessed with beauty that they don’t know it’s hypnotizing their inner consciousness to donate charity to the beauty rather than to the needy. I am not bitter of sponsoring a party for the girl but I would just like to point out that we should also try to acknowledge those who really is in need. Those who are incapable of becoming a trend in social media because they don’t have the looks of a beauty. Those who really tried to survived in this cruelty.
Beauty is indeed an advantage for an individual to be noticed in the crowd of beauty seekers.
We hide behind the human condition
of making mistakes
using imperfection as an excuse
to hurt those who love us
expecting things to go back
to how they once were
Excerpt from Whiskey Words and a Shovel (R.H Sin)
Once in our life, we come across of this unexplained feeling of youth adoration of new experiences. One can’t deny that one of these things is falling in love for the first time.
They say 8th grade has got to be the most embarrasing year for students but mine was opposite of this thought. I met this guy. Not intelligent but witty. Not neat but tidy. There’s a difference to them. Tall. Tan. You could say he’s pretty average for an ideal guy. He came up to me and said he liked me. For a month, I didn’t know how to respond. Out of thought, I said I liked him, too. We started going out and it was a thumbs down for our story. We only talk on Facebook and don’t go out on dates. For that fact, we broke up. The shocking thing is I didn’t get sad. Maybe I did, but not too sad.
He was a nice guy but he is not for me. Thinking it through, I gotta say I didn’t love him sincerely. I was fantasized by the thought of someone admiring me that I forgot the conditions of loving someone. The thing is, I was overwhelmed with the whole fact of love. It was not the boy that I love. It was the feeling of being loved is what I love. To you, dear love, I’m sorry for ruining your first love experience by my foolishness. But I am grateful for letting me have the honor of ruining such opportunity for you. I know that we were too young to know about love. Someday, we will grow our selves out in finding the true meaning of love and by that time we have enough knowledge that indeed it is love, not just a mere fantasy.