It’s not that I don’t want to be happy
It’s that despite how hard I try
I can’t bring myself to be happy
I fell suffocated, ashamed, embarrassed, scared, cautious, and worthless
Why did I have to be this way?
I have a good family, great friends, and everything is okay
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey
It’s like there’s this burden on me
Pulling me to the ground and however, you try you cant bring yourself out
I can’t bring myself to care
About him, about me, about her
Living has become the constant nightmare and it’s just not fair
It’s pretty funny because at a first look you wouldn’t think i am this sad sack of bullshit
I’m a happy person, goofy, really loud and talkative, playful, energetic and funny in the outside
Because that’s the person the society wants me to be especially my family
When I tell someone about how I am sad and hurt about something they would take it as a joke and tell me to try yoga or get some fresh air, listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation.
It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my life
My relationship, my education, my work
And to this day, despite my best efforts to explain
I am always met with blind hesitation.
I particularly don’t know why I am sad
What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling absolutely crap and that that’s become my norm.
I’m afraid of the world, Im afraid of putting my guards down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control
Where’s the fairness of it all?
Do you think I like to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self-hate, shame, and loathing
So I hide them and I put up a wall
That is so high you will never see my pain or any of my flaws
I created this character and she is this perfect, she’s invincible.
And so I carry on live these two lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night
Cause that’s easier than admitting you have a problem and that’s the problem.
The stigma is real people and it will not go away until we realize that mental health is a big fucking deal.
It’s a hidden disease that affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries and invincible tears.
It’s a kid that never speaks or the guy who’s always tired, the woman who’s too emotional, the guy who just got fired
Cause he was absent a lot
He couldn’t get out of bed due to his mental health but do you think any of his colleagues knew that?
Of course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me
AND IT EATS ME UP DAILY.