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It’s not that I don’t want to be happy

It’s that despite how hard I try

I can’t bring myself to be happy

I fell suffocated, ashamed, embarrassed, scared, cautious, and worthless

Why did I have to be this way?

I have a good family, great friends, and everything is okay

Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey

It’s like there’s this burden on me

Pulling me to the ground and however, you try you cant bring yourself out

I can’t bring myself to care

About anything

About him, about me, about her

Living has become the constant nightmare  and it’s just not fair

It’s pretty funny because at a first look you wouldn’t think i am this sad sack of bullshit

I’m a happy person, goofy, really loud and talkative, playful, energetic and funny in the outside

Because that’s the person the society wants me to be especially my family

When I tell someone about how I am sad and hurt about something they would take it as a joke and tell me to try yoga or get some fresh air, listen to meditation.

I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation.

It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my life 

My relationship, my education, my work

And to this day, despite my best efforts to explain

I am always met with blind hesitation.

I particularly don’t know why I am sad

What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling absolutely crap and that that’s become my norm.

I’m afraid of the world, Im afraid of putting my guards down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control

Where’s the fairness of it all?

Do you think I like to watch myself fall?

Into this hole of self-hate, shame, and loathing 

So I hide them and I put up a wall

That is so high you will never see my pain or any of my flaws

I created this character and she is this perfect, she’s invincible.

And so I carry on live these two lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night

Cause that’s easier than admitting you have a problem and that’s the problem.

The stigma is real people and it will not go away until we realize that mental health is a big fucking deal.

It’s a hidden disease that affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries and invincible tears.

It’s a kid that never speaks or the guy who’s always tired, the woman who’s too emotional, the guy who just got fired

Cause he was absent a lot

He couldn’t get out of bed due to his mental health but do you think any of his colleagues knew that?

Of course not.

Depression is the hell inside of me

AND IT EATS ME UP DAILY.

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Twinkle toes

All the plans I planned for your birthday won’t work anymore but I hope you’ll have fun on your special day. Don’t just lock yourself in your own prison cell and go out and have some fun. You’re finally 18 and I remember you telling me you’d like to celebrate it on a mountain. Well rain checked, it won’t rain today so it is a perfect day to go in the mountains.

I know this may never find you, but please know that I mean every word I am about to say, both good and bad. I heard things about you before we even began. The warning signs could have been there, and I’m sure they were, but I chose to ignore and avoid them just enough to let you in and find out for myself. I didn’t even want to go on that date to the movies or on a date with you at all, to be honest. I figured you would stop trying if I stood you up more than once. You didn’t. I needed to know I was worth pursuing, and you made me feel desired.

You were not my first boyfriend, but you were the first to meet my whole family. You were not my first kiss, but you were the first guy who I make out with. You were not my first love, but you were the first person that I loved more than I love myself other than my family. It’s like you’re my reflection, my own mirror. Your temper, your sense of humor, your generosity, your laugh. Damn, I miss you so much, I miss your laugh, especially your laugh. Your kisses and warm cuddles.

I’m so blessed tita gave birth to you 18 years ago. Now that you’re 18 I hope you’ll act like your age. Be responsible enough. Be brave enough to take some risk. Life is short, so forget all your what-ifs and have some fun. You’re still a teen anyway so get your ass and put your shits together because when you get 20 you won’t regret the things you haven’t done when you were still a teen. I might not make any sense here but I’m writing this anyway.

Happy birthday, twinkle toes.

The D word

This seemingly endless cycle

Of pain

Of lashing out

Of reaching out

And silence

So much silence

It’s silent

The nights when I can’t sleep

Because of the weight

I’m crushed under

An avalanche

I’m not exaggerating

But you don’t know unless you’ve been there

It’s dark

Not the thoughts

Not just the thoughts anyways

My room

My eyes burning

Are those tears?

Or are my eyes just tired?

It’s constant tiredness

But at the same time alertness

Every word 10 times sharper

Every negative thought 20 times clearer

But everything else is noise

Like static if you will

It’s so loud

So loud

In a silent room

Only those who have been here

Know how hard it is

To shut them up

I find myself turning

Into a monster

A monster who thirsts for blood

Blood for a purpose

TO SHUT UP THE VOICES

Because when you

Turn into a monster

Balance is restored

For a little bit at least

Every thought clear

Only one stands over the rest

“What have I done?”

And the shame eats me

Forgiveness?

Never

Because I fucked up

AGAIN

I lash out

Again and again

I realize that I am toxic

So toxic

But then I learn and apologize

And grow

They forgive me

And I think that I’ve won

In this battle with my thoughts until….

“You’re okay with everyone”

“All of your debts are paid”

“So you can leave now”

2017

If there’s one thing this year has taught me is this life is full of goodbyes. It took a while for me to understand that this is just how the way it is. “That’s life,” as most of us would say.

And sometimes, you say goodbye without actually saying goodbye. You say goodbye gracefully, like it was your first honest hello.
So here I am saying goodbye to you, one last final time.
I say goodbye to the happiness you gave me. To the days where I found myself genuinely happy because I had someone who loved me unconditionally.
I say goodbye to that one sunny afternoon where we first kissed. When you lovingly looked me in the eyes right after that and told me how much you loved me, and kissed me again.
I say goodbye to the promise you made that you will always love me no matter what. That you will keep fighting for us. I say goodbye to the promise you made that I, forced you to break.
I say goodbye to the regrets I have for ruining us. I say goodbye to the hopes that someday, we will see each other again and patch things up.
I say goodbye to the blaming game, thinking it was all my fault. We had our fair share of wrongs. But maybe it was never an issue of who ruined who or who ruined what. Maybe it was just not meant to be. Maybe it was just a blessing that God allowed us to experience so we have things to think and smile about, maybe make us a little bit nostalgic, when we get old and see our grandkids venture into young relationships.
I hope to God it is because truthfully, you will become one of the love stories that I will tell my kids and grandkids about someday. Of that one beautiful yet epic love that went away and never meant to return and how that shouldn’t make them sad. That it should make them grateful and most of all, faithful to the truth that when God closes a door, a window opens.
I know someday we will inevitably see each other again. I hope that day comes with peace. I hope when I see you, I have finally accepted that some good things don’t last.
So I’m leaving you, in the past where you belong. I’m leaving you along with the hang ups and unanswered questions.

Just like the fireworks we saw and admired in our first date, everyone got so much amused because we light so bright but ended too fast. 

PUSONG TANGA

Itoy isang tula.
Ngayon akoy magsisimula.
Di lahat nababase sa pamagat.
hindi ito tungkol sa pagmamahal dahil yan lang ay sagabal.
Minsan kasi di puro pag-ibig nasa isip. Lalo na kung nagbibigay sakit at sikip ng dibdib. Ito ay tungkol sa sakit na nadama.
Naranasan nyo na ba? Yung nagmamahal pero di naman minahal?
One sided love kung tawagin nila.
sobra kong nasaktan. Ni di makatayo sa sobrang pagtumba. Di tumba na literal kundi tumba na para bang lagapak sa sahig ngunit puso mo ang nauna.
Yung broken kana pero mas naging broken kapa.
Ngunit sa kabila nun may isang salita na may anim na letra. Ito ay “HINTAY” Magsimula tayo sa letrang “H” – Ha. Ha? Habang buhay nalang ba akong magpapakatanga? Pangalawa “I” – Ih. Inintindi kita ngunit kulang pa pala. Sumunod ang “N” – Na. Nasamalapit ka pero bakit parang ang layo mo na. Anong sunod diba “T” – Tanga ko no? Para na akong aso na habol ng habol sayo. Sa “A” naman tayo – Aanhin ko ang pag-ibig ng iba kung sayo lang ang gusto kong madama. “Y”? Yoko na. Yan ang sabi ng utak ko na ni minsan di ko sinununod. Diba ang saklap? Pilit ko paring umasa na babalik ka. Ang hirap talagang magmahal ng buo lalo na sa taong di nakita ang halaga mo.

Are we really in love?

Are we together because we want to be or because we’re just scared to see each other with someone else? Are we really in love or are we just in love with the thought of being in love?

One day, I woke up on a different side of my bed, where I realize I’m not in love with you anymore.

Maybe it’s because of your mistakes which made me think that you’re not perfect after all and so was I and thought that it’s okay that we’re human. Maybe it’s because of your songs, the ones you use to woo me and dance with me and it will make me feel all the giddy about you. Maybe it’s because of your shirt I’m wearing, I can smell your scent even if I washed it a hundred times in the laundry. Maybe it’s because of your voice I hear on my phone, singing me a song until I feel better or asleep. Maybe it’s because of your fingers which I lace mine and it will make me vulnerable like a piece of glass. Maybe it’s because of your words on my phone, weaved together like a poem even though you just said hello and it will mean a thousand things for me. Maybe it’s because of those blankets and pillows we use to cuddle in in which I feel your warmth even when it’s raining outside. Maybe it’s because of your smile I stare at which makes my insecurities hidden shut in a dark corner where I can never see them again. Maybe it’s because of your hands which you use to wrap around me to help me feel warm and secure. Maybe it’s because of your laugh echoing in my ears and I hear every time I think about something funny or I saw something funny on the internet. Maybe it’s because of those tears I saw from your face and it made me think that you’re not strong enough or even brave enough to say goodbye. Maybe it’s because of your kiss which made me left wanting for more and it’s impossible to hold you close all the time because I know you need to go. Maybe it’s because of your eyes, watching me do stupid things but still support me and tell me how proud you are to me. Maybe it’s because of you, being so impossible to let go and it will definitely destroy my heart, my soul, my universe and stars, and my aching body if I ever thought about stopping from loving you.

I woke up on a different side of my bed, where I found the answers to my questions. I realize I’m not in love with you anymore.

It’s not you after all

Rather I’m in love with the idea that you’re in love with me as I am to you.

Feign

The sunrays caressed my face with the warmth of your hands
I know where this is going by the words of your eyes

That sorry smile of yours says everything you have to say

But please, no

I would freeze time even if I have to

Yet you will never do the same

Cause I know you’re tired of us

And you just want to end everything

But unless you say the hammering words

I would continue to think that you still want us

Feigning ignorance and continue the blissful euphoria

You’re the rose I’m willing to pluck with

Hands scarred from the pain of your thorns 

photo: ormehcym deviantart

Charity

The Philippines may be the country full of smiles but it also is a country with such standards. Recently the beauty Badjao girl celebrated her birthday with a blast thanks to the sponsors.

I indeed pity her story but isn’t it enough to support her education? I pity more elderly working as school cleaners. I pity the handicapped man selling ‘Sampaguitas’ in the streets while getting soaked in the rain. I’d rather help them because I know that beyond their situation, they tried. They did not let their circumstances be an excuse for society to acknowledge them beyond it help them. People of today are so obsessed with beauty that they don’t know it’s hypnotizing their inner consciousness to donate charity to the beauty rather than to the needy. I am not bitter of sponsoring a party for the girl but I would just like to point out that we should also try to acknowledge those who really is in need. Those who are incapable of becoming a trend in social media because they don’t have the looks of a beauty. Those who really tried to survived in this cruelty.

Beauty is indeed an advantage for an individual to be noticed in the crowd of beauty seekers.

Image: tumblr

Human flaw

We hide behind the human condition

of making mistakes

using imperfection as an excuse

to hurt those who love us

expecting things to go back 

to how they once were 

after apologizing
Excerpt from Whiskey Words and a Shovel (R.H Sin) 

I wasn’t in love with him

Once in our life, we come across of this unexplained feeling of youth adoration of new experiences. One can’t deny that one of these things is falling in love for the first time.
They say 8th grade has got to be the most embarrasing year for students but mine was opposite of this thought. I met this guy. Not intelligent but witty. Not neat but tidy. There’s a difference to them. Tall. Tan. You could say he’s pretty average for an ideal guy. He came up to me and said he liked me. For a month, I didn’t know how to respond. Out of thought, I said I liked him, too. We started going out and it was a thumbs down for our story. We only talk on Facebook and don’t go out on dates. For that fact, we broke up. The shocking thing is I didn’t get sad. Maybe I did, but not too sad.

He was a nice guy but he is not for me. Thinking it through, I gotta say I didn’t love him sincerely. I was fantasized by the thought of someone admiring me that I forgot the conditions of loving someone. The thing is, I was overwhelmed with the whole fact of love. It was not the boy that I love. It was the feeling of being loved is what I love. To you, dear love, I’m sorry for ruining your first love experience by my foolishness. But I am grateful for letting me have the honor of ruining such opportunity for you. I know that we were too young to know about love. Someday, we will grow our selves out in finding the true meaning of love and by that time we have enough knowledge that indeed it is love, not just a mere fantasy.